The only adult in the house

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Adriennes blog 19 washing machine picHi, I’m Adrienne and I’m the only adult in my house.  Most of the time, I’m okay with that.  I get all the closet space, no one steals my stash of Oreos (that I keep too high up for the kids to notice), and the toilet seat is never up in the middle of the night.

Other times, it’s really hard.  I’ve lived on my own with no problem, but there’s something about having kids in the house that raises the stakes.  If there were a break-in or a fire, it’s not affecting only me anymore.  When there’s a tornado warning or a flood watch, it’s all on me to keep the kids out of harm’s way as best I can.

When Drew first moved out, I woke up countless nights to every little noise, convinced that something awful was happening.  Someone was trying to creep in the basement windows or pick the lock on the front door.  I’d startle awake, my heart pounding, and grab my cell phone.  But who to call?  After listening and sitting so still that all I could hear was the blood rushing though my head, I’d eventually calm down and realize it was just a noise like all houses make.

Then there are the times a major appliance breaks down.  I’ve had to figure out how to turn off the electricity and the water because pipes have leaked, the washing machine has become unbalanced, and the furnace made a scary sound.  Men probably feel intimidated about certain home repairs too, but they have a more exploratory nature, whereas I assume that anything I touch is going to break down even further with my intervention.

Growing up, I learned how to change the sheets and cook and iron and sew, but my dad didn’t teach me guy things because he never expected I’d need to know them.   As a result, I’m as unbalanced as the washer.  I don’t think of turning off the pipes to the outside faucets or cleaning the gutters because they were never in my realm of responsibility before.

I’m teaching my sons everything I know.  I hope they have someone to share the joys and responsibilities of home-ownership, but just in case, they won’t be as unprepared as I was.

Read more about my life after divorce in Giving Myself Away, available now.

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Gaining confidence as a single parent

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Adriennes blog 18 suitcase picI did not sign up to be a single parent.  I expected I was going to have a partner with me to see through the raising of our children.  Yes, their father is actively part of their lives, but we don’t do our job of parenting together anymore.

At first, it was overwhelming.  Parents with partners can tag-team so that when one is wiped out, he or she can step out of the ring for a few minutes to regain energy and composure.  When you’re a single parent, you’re on all the time.  You might be able to hand off kids to a grandparent for a few hours, but you’re still the chief decision-maker.

Early after Drew moved out, I decided to take Tyler and Nicky out for dinner, just the three of us.  It was a disaster.  Nicky was sulking about something and didn’t want to order, so I picked macaroni and cheese from the kids’ menu for him, which I figured he probably would have ordered anyway.  Just to be contrary, he said he didn’t want macaroni and cheese (after the waitress had already taken our order and walked away).  I said, “tough, you’re having macaroni and cheese.”

Tyler, the peacemaker, was upset that we were arguing, burst into tears, and knocked over his juice trying to hug me across the table.  This led to even more tears.  By the end of the meal, all of us had cried at least once.  I can only imagine that our waitress and the people at nearby tables looked at us with either pity or scorn:  Look at that pathetic single mom.  She can’t handle her kids (her life!).

Since those early days, we’ve developed a partnership that works.  Nicky and Tyler and I are now a family that feels complete.  There are plenty of families where the parents are married, but a spouse has to work long hours away from home or serve overseas in the military.  There are stay-at-home moms and dads who have to take three kids to the grocery store and clean the house and cook, all while keeping an eye on little ones.  I’m not alone and I’m not a pity case.

Our latest adventure was an overnight trip on our own to an unfamiliar city.  This was a big step for me, the person who couldn’t even handle a night at a restaurant on my own.  I took lots of time to plan our route (no navigator to help me in the car), packed our bags (no one to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything), and prepared for missteps (there were a few).  But we had a great time and it built my confidence as a parent.  I’m a parent, not a single parent.  And we are a family, not a one-parent family.

You can read more about my life after divorce in Giving Myself Away, available now.

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What to stock up on when you have children

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Adriennes blog 17 bandaid picHi, I’m Adrienne, a mom of two boys.  When you have kids in the house, there are certain items you should never be without.  I’ll tell you my top five, and I’d love to hear what you’d add to the list.

  1. Adhesives to fix the things that break.  Packing tape, scotch tape, duct tape, school glue, super glue… we have them all.  While there are kids in the house, I have to be resolved to the fact that things get broken and need to put back together, including my patience.  Both of my kids have gotten so frustrated at times that they’ve torn up a favorite piece of artwork only to regret it five minutes later.  My own mood has frayed to the point that I want to break things too.  Glue is the stuff that pulls things back together.  In our house, a hug is the glue that binds us back together when we get pulled apart.
  2. Erasers to fix the mistakes.  We keep pencil erasers, Mr. Clean magic erasers, and spot remover to undo the things that got messed up.  Sometimes we have a “do over” on the whole day when everyone’s out of sorts and things got off to a bad start.  It’s amazing what erasing the past, even the past five minutes, can do for your outlook.
  3. Band-aids to fix the hurts.  I keep all different sizes to cover everything from a paper cut to a brush burn.  Sometimes the cut is so little that I can’t even see it and yet my child wants a band-aid.  These are the times I know that what he really needs is the kiss that comes with it, the reassurance that everything’s going to be okay, even when he’s in pain.
  4. Thermometers to diagnose the severity of a situation.  You can put you hand on a child’s forehead and know instantly whether it’s a fever or not, but the doctor always asks for the exact temperature.  Being aware of the details helps you gauge what’s not obvious on the outside.  Sometimes children can’t tell you in words what it is that’s ailing them, and your attentiveness is what draws it out.
  5. Blankets to provide comfort.  We have big blankets and little ones, but the most important thing is that they’re soft and warm.  Did you ever notice how common it is to want to wrap yourself in a blanket, not only when you’re cold, but also when you’re lonely and sad?  The most important thing a family can be is that big fuzzy blanket of security and comfort over our shoulders.

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What’s great about being married?

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Adriennes blog 16 cake topper picHi, I’m Adrienne. I realize I’ve talked about being divorced a lot, but I was married longer than I’ve been single, and it’s time for me to move on.  I’m ready to stop being bitter and acknowledge how great marriage can be.  I can be happy for my married friends and family instead of envious or cynical about what they have.

So in honor of marriage, please help me make a list of the benefits of being married!

You can read more about my marriage and my divorce in Giving Myself Away, available now.

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What were you happiest your ex took with him in the divorce?

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Adriennes blog 15 brown recliner picHi, I’m Adrienne.  I’m one of those people who likes to make lists.  You’ll find them stashed in drawers, hanging in the kitchen cabinets, and in the reminders app on my phone.  Not all of my lists are things to do.  Some of them are things to be grateful for.  There’s a list I pull out from my jewelry box every now and then when I’m feeling sorry for myself about being divorced.  The paper is getting fuzzy along the edges from being folded and unfolded so many times, but I’m happy to say I don’t need to look at this list as often as I used to.

Things I’m happy Drew took with him in the divorce:

  1. His hideous brown recliner.  You know the chair, the one that comes with you into your marriage.  You know it’s a bad idea to let him bring it with him, but you’re so happy to be pulling your separate lives together that you overlook that chair.  It might be a hand-me-down from his parents or he might have picked it up at the Salvation Army, but either way, it was part of his bachelor life and now it’s got memories.  Never mind the fact that it’s ugly as all get out, stained, and not even that comfortable anymore.  There’s no slipcover that’s going to make that lumpy excuse for furniture look respectable.  It doesn’t match anything else, and you just have to hope you have one of those man-cave rooms to hide it in, because it’s not going anywhere…until you get divorced, that is.
  2. His “collections.”  Beer steins, baseball cards, comic books, you name it.  The monetary value or the space it takes up is completely irrelevant.  The older his collection is, the more determined he is to keep it.  You can bet his mother can’t wait to get it out of her house.  I never saw Drew’s mom lifting such heavy stuff as the day she finally unloaded Drew’s boxes from their attic to ours.  Or maybe your man had a mother who threw out his stuff and he still resents her for it.  These are the ones to watch out for because if you so much as throw out an old receipt of theirs for a hot dog from a baseball game ten years ago, you’ve just discarded a piece of his life.
  3. His snoring.  I put up with it and I learned to sleep despite it, but wow, I’ve never slept so well in my life now that I’m single.  I can sleep on the left side of the bed, the right, or the middle, and there’s always room for me.  No one to snuggle up to, but at least it’s quiet and roomy.
  4. His clothes.  Clothes = laundry and some men never learned to unball their socks or take the stuff out of their pockets.  I’m already mom to two kids; did I really need to be his mom too.
  5. The love letters I wrote him.  I promised I’d love him forever, and of course I believed it.  Who doesn’t think their romance is the best, truest love the world has ever known?  I might be tempted to look back and get sentimental about old times I can’t recapture, but thankfully he’s removed the temptation.
  6. The petty resentment.  I spent a lot of time being mad at Drew for not doing the household things that I felt like he should be doing, such as taking the trash out, mowing the lawn, or fixing the broken vacuum cleaner.  Now there’s no one to nag but myself.  My “honey-do” lists are only for me, and I can check off the items or ignore them at will.
  7. His debt.  Some of it I was responsible for, but now that we’re divorced, what he does or doesn’t do financially can’t hurt me anymore.  There’s no one to negotiate with over what we can afford.  If I put something on the credit card, I know I’ll be the one paying for it.
  8. His pet snake, Lulubel.  Drew and his roommates bought a ball python during a drunken night of college partying, and somehow he inherited her by being last to move out of the guys’ apartment.  I will not miss weekly trips to the pet store to buy mice to sacrifice to Lulu, or the semi-regular dreams I had that she would escape and kill one of us in the night.

You might say this list sounds like sour grapes, but it gets me by on the days I miss being married, miss having the comfort of a spouse and someone to share all the joys and sorrows of life with.

What were you happiest to let go of when you and your spouse separated?

You can read more about my lists and my adventures with and without Drew in Giving Myself Away, available now.

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Seven Worst Ways to Start the New Year

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Hi, I’m Adrienne.  Happy new year!  I’m one of those people who gets bogged down by high expectations from the possibilities of January 1.  Learn from my experience as I present to you The Seven Worst Ways to Start the New Year:

 

7. Hung over and in a carb coma.  This was no big deal when I was younger.  But that was before I encountered the TWO-DAY hangover.   Just as our eyesight and hearing tend to get worse with age, apparently so does our liver’s ability to deal with a toxic blast of vodka, chicken wings, and Doritos.  What an awful way to start the new year – full of resolve and too sick to do anything about it.

6. Paying upfront for a gym membership.  I also went to the other extreme… there was that one year when I decided to go to bed before midnight and start the new year right with a grand workout routine.  The tan, fit college girl with blonde braids at my local gym convinced me to sign up for six months because I’d save a good chunk of change over paying month to month.  She failed to tell me I’d lose all that money anyway after I made one visit to the gym, completely overdid it to save face in front of the regulars who work out all year, and then limped home in shame never to return again.

5. Making resolutions for other people.  Sometimes I can’t believe how pretentious I was.  It wasn’t enough to make my own resolutions that I couldn’t keep… I had to make a list for my husband too and post it on the refrigerator.  It reliably gave me something to nag him about, which gave him a chance to ignore me, which allowed me to snap out on him for ignoring me, and well, you know how that goes.

4. Deciding that your entire wardrobe needs to be sorted and organized TODAY.  It’s a scientific fact that I am my fattest self at the end of December.  Thanksgiving, Christmas, and eating for hibernation in the fall all lead to me wearing the same couple of big sweaters and pants for a month or two until I rein myself in (with New Year’s resolutions!).  One year I pulled every item of clothing out of my closet and drawers, started crying when I realized how few of these clothes looked good on me, and then slept on the sofa to avoid dealing with putting them all away.

3. Looking at anything that comes from Martha Stewart.  If you want to feel like a failure, you need only check out her lists for keeping a household running smoothly.  What, you missed cleaning out the gutters and wiping down the undersides of your baseboard radiators?  Don’t worry, there are overwhelming lists for every season of the year as well as the BEST way to do your laundry, cook fresh cranberry sauce, and assemble party favors.  Thank goodness she doesn’t delve into the BEST way to rear children, or I’d be suicidal.

2. Making resolutions you can’t keep. I’ve written those lofty lists in which I vow to do everything better without having an action plan for how that’s going to happen.  No wonder it fails.  Goals work best when they are achieved by incremental changes, not complete and instant overhauls.  Our society is always looking for the quick solution.  What else would explain the popularity of shows where people lose a hundred pounds in a matter of months, become professional dancers in a few weeks, or meet, date, and get engaged in less than a season?

1. Doing nothing at all.  For as many times as I’ve failed, I’m still not giving up.  A new year is a chance to reflect on where we’ve been and where we still want to go.  I’m giving up the lists.  I’m not using my day off to make major changes that will overwhelm me.  But I am going to resolve to be more patient and loving and to appreciate the blessings in my life.

Thanks for reading!  If you enjoyed, you can read about some even bigger mistakes I’ve made in Giving Myself Away.

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It’s just a day…

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Adriennes blog 13 sunrise picHi, I’m Adrienne. 

Sometimes we get so caught up in wanting a special day to be perfect that we forget it’s just a day.

Before my ex-boss and now-friend Melanie got married, she stressed a lot about the details that go into the wedding day, sometimes to the point that she was unhappy to be planning a wedding at all.  Melanie’s a perfectionist and I’m not, but I wanted to tell her that the wedding would be great, even if a few things didn’t go as they were intended, and that the marriage that follows is way more important than the wedding day.  

We put a lot of effort into planning certain days and forget how important every day is.  I wanted to tell her to make every day with Frank a special day, and to never take marriage for granted because it’s a living thing that needs constant cultivation to survive.

My wedding day was a great day, but it wasn’t the best day of our marriage.  What a depressing thought that would be, if nothing in your marriage could top your wedding. Some of the best days of our marriage were just nothing-special days at home with the kids.  There were no pictures to capture those memories, no one to witness them, no fancy clothes to wear, but they were just as important as our wedding, if not more so.

Whether you’re preparing for your wedding or any other one of life’s milestones, remember that these may be memorable days in your life, but each one is just one of thousands of days you will have, and that every day or any day can be life-changing.  No matter what, it’s just a day.

You can enjoy Melanie’s wedding in Giving Myself Away.  Thanks for reading!

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Who would play me in the movie version?

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Hi, I’m Adrienne.  If you enjoyed reading about my life in Giving Myself Away, maybe you’d like to help me cast the actors and actresses who would play me and the other main characters of my life in a movie version.

I didn’t describe my appearance too thoroughly because I’m pretty hopeless about looking pulled together.  I told you I have frizzy hair and I get fat when I’m pregnant.  I’m tall and sometimes awkward.  I think anyone you pick would have to play down their Hollywood side to portray me accurately.

How about my ex-husband, Drew?  He’s about my height, but is blessed with a much better metabolism.  He has short, curly brown hair.  If he were an animal, he’d be some kind of a terrier – alert, energetic, sometimes annoyingly distractible.

I’ve probably described Drew’s paramour, Amy, the most because I found myself comparing myself to her.  She’s petite and adorable and it does not seem possible that she could be a mother of three.  She wears tight yoga pants and doesn’t look lumpy in them… totally unfair.  She’s as chipper as Drew and probably a better match for him than I ever was.

And then there’s George, a big part of the reason I have a story to tell.  He makes me look like a fashion star because his wardrobe consists of worn-out athletic gear alternating with black suits.  There’s nothing in between for George:  he’s either working a funeral or slobbing it.  As goofy as he can be, I certainly wouldn’t have been in the predicament I got myself into if it weren’t for wanting to get to know him better.

We can’t forget George’s fourteen-year-old daughter, Christiana, lover of horror movies and pop star perfume.  She’s a girlie girl to the core.  I’ll never forget her calling me a whore very loudly in a public place!  I got over it.

Melanie was my perfect boss, the most organized human being I’ve ever met.  I didn’t think she was human until I got to know her better and she shared some big secrets with me.  She had a way of making me feel like a real slacker.  I can’t line up my Post-it notes straight and, yeah, I spend a little time at work on Facebook, but if you’re on hold half the day with insurance companies, you need something to do.  Right?

Stacy is the potential adoptive mom.  She jangles wherever she goes because she is big on accessorizing with lots of gold stuff.  She loves to wear black everything – hair, clothes, boots, and eyeliner.  She might be going to the mall, but she looks ready for a 1980s rock concert.

Marty is her doting husband.  He carries big wads of cash and is ready to peel off a few large bills whenever Stacy bats her eyes at him.  He has hairy knuckles, but he also has adorable dimples and long dark lashes.  I am sure any child of his would be spoiled rotten.

My sister Kristen doesn’t like kids, junks up her junky car with fast food wrappers, and curses a lot.  I’m not sure how we came from the same parents.  My main issue with her is that she only seems attracted to married men.  She can’t totally help it that she meets a lot of married men who are inclined to cheat on their wives.  She’s a massage therapist.  She knows how to draw the line, though.  Her favorite quote is, “This ain’t a Disney movie. You have to create your own happy ending.” Lol.

I haven’t included my kids or Amy’s and some other friends and family, but if you have ideas for who should play them, tell me your thoughts.

Please let me know what you think!  I can’t wait to hear which actress is going to make me a star.

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I was a wife, but not a person

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Adriennes blog 11 wedding rings picI remember being a newlywed and feeling for the first time like I had reached adulthood.  We shared money, closet space, and friends.  Where we went, what movies we watched, and even what we ate was by consensus.  I gave up my own identity, but I was glad to trade it in for “wife,” which I thought was the mature thing to do.

My engagement and wedding rings were badges I wore proudly to mark my status to the world.  “I am married!” they announced.  I marked “Mrs.” in the little online checkboxes.

As the years went on, the novelty of being “wife” wore off and was replaced by the day-to-day routines of married life.  Drew saw me with messy hair and no makeup and ugly pajamas and he loved me anyway, but I missed being “new” and having the chance to remake myself as I matured.  We didn’t talk about it, but it became apparent that he felt the same.

We gradually moved apart, each of us trying to be our separate selves within our marriage, wanting to be not just husband and wife, but man and woman.  Some people’s marriages are fluid enough to absorb the changes of its two partners as they mature over time, while others are too fragile to withstand anyone casting aside the roles that were set in stone the day they said “I do.”

The Lebanese writer and artist Kahlil Gibran said of marriage:

“…let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another but make not a bond of love;

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.”

Adriennes blog 11 shores pic

Drew and I got married and we got divorced.  You can read all about why we didn’t make it in Giving Myself Away.

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Past my prime? I don’t think so!

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Adriennes blog 10 smiling woman picHi, I’m Adrienne.  The other day my married friend Sandra said to me, “We are past our prime.  It’s all downhill from here.”  Maybe it’s easier for her to accept that because she’s married.  I had to convince myself it’s not true, even if she didn’t believe me.  My husband left me for a woman with flat abs.  She has three children and flat abs.  Sometimes life is not fair.

Okay, physically, yes, I will definitely admit my best days are behind me.  The more years I’m alive, the more time gravity has to work on me.  I’m not as fast and strong as I once was.  My knee twinges every now and then when I’m carrying the laundry upstairs.  No one’s carded me in years.  More and more people call me “ma’am.”

Mentally, I’m not as with it as I used to be.  It takes me longer to remember people’s names.  I have to write down my grocery list or I’ll forget what I’m there to buy.  I’ve started watching a movie or reading a book only to recall halfway through that I saw/read this one before.

But how about spiritually?  I think I’m still a baby spiritually.  There’s one thing you can’t get when you’re too young for it, and that’s perspective.  Only the hard knocks of life smooth off your rough edges and make you realize what’s really important.

We live in a society that values youth and beauty, but I can’t help but admire wisdom and grace.  As long as my smile lines outnumber my frown lines, I’ll be a happy woman.  The abs, well… I need to work on that.

Thanks for reading.  You can find out more about my post-married life in Giving Myself Away.

Available at Amazon.com in paperback and Kindle

Available at Barnes and Noble in paperback and Nook

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