The coffee addiction cycle

It all started in high school. I started drinking in high school because it made me feel more alive, more energetic, more “me.” I just needed a little boost now and then. My friends were doing it too. Pretty soon, I found that I didn’t feel right without it. I started waking up feeling a little shaky in the morning, not wanting to talk to anyone til I had my fix. I told myself every day that just one would be enough, but I rarely could stop at one. I tried to quit, many, many times. The withdrawal was unbearable, but I’ve made it six months at a time for a few stretches. Seeing other people enjoying it without consequences fills me with longing.

IMG_7369It sounds like alcohol, but I’m talking about coffee. One of my friends in high school gave me this mug, which I still use to this day. I am not only physically hooked, but psychologically too. I definitely believe that coffee = success.

All these years later, I’m still caught in the coffee addiction cycle.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

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Week one: I’ll just drink one cup a day. I hide my coffee maker in storage, and I use a tiny little eight ounce mug and I will only have one. If I’m craving more, there’s always decaf in the background (haha).                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    IMG_7370

A week or two later: It’s a really tough day and there’s a lot to get done at work. I’ll just have one or two cups of the sludge that comes out of our industrial coffee maker. I know my stomach will start hurting very soon, but the rush of energy is worth it. I ignore my fast-beating heart and the lightheadedness.

A few hours later: I hit rock bottom (again). My stomach is hurting unbearably, my left eyelid is twitching constantly, and it feels like my heart is fluttering instead of beating. Time to quit.

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Day 1: It’s green tea all the way for me, baby! Notice the giant mug to make up for less than half the caffeine. I nurse a constant stream of tea and the first day is pretty good. No headaches! I don’t even miss coffee! I can do this!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Day 2: UGH. Just one cup of coffee….

If you enjoy reading my blog, please check out my first novel, Giving Myself Away, about a divorced mom making tough choices and a fresh start.

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