It all started in high school. I started drinking in high school because it made me feel more alive, more energetic, more “me.” I just needed a little boost now and then. My friends were doing it too. Pretty soon, I found that I didn’t feel right without it. I started waking up feeling a little shaky in the morning, not wanting to talk to anyone til I had my fix. I told myself every day that just one would be enough, but I rarely could stop at one. I tried to quit, many, many times. The withdrawal was unbearable, but I’ve made it six months at a time for a few stretches. Seeing other people enjoying it without consequences fills me with longing.

It sounds like alcohol, but I’m talking about coffee. One of my friends in high school gave me this mug, which I still use to this day. I am not only physically hooked, but psychologically too. I definitely believe that coffee = success.

All these years later, I’m still caught in the coffee addiction cycle.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Week one: I’ll just drink one cup a day. I hide my coffee maker in storage, and I use a tiny little eight ounce mug and I will only have one. If I’m craving more, there’s always decaf in the background (haha).                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

A week or two later: It’s a really tough day and there’s a lot to get done at work. I’ll just have one or two cups of the sludge that comes out of our industrial coffee maker. I know my stomach will start hurting very soon, but the rush of energy is worth it. I ignore my fast-beating heart and the lightheadedness.

A few hours later: I hit rock bottom (again). My stomach is hurting unbearably, my left eyelid is twitching constantly, and it feels like my heart is fluttering instead of beating. Time to quit.

Day 1: It’s green tea all the way for me, baby! Notice the giant mug to make up for less than half the caffeine. I nurse a constant stream of tea and the first day is pretty good. No headaches! I don’t even miss coffee! I can do this!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Day 2: UGH. Just one cup of coffee….

If you enjoy reading my blog, please check out my first novel, Giving Myself Away, about a divorced mom making tough choices and a fresh start.