Hi, I’m Adrienne. I’m getting really tired of ranting about my divorce, so I asked my friend Rob what I should talk about. He said I should tell you about the (very misguided) night my sister Kristen and I went to a bar.
You have to understand that we were both a mess. I had a baby a few months ago but was recently mistaken for still being pregnant, and Kristen was getting over being dumped… by her married boyfriend. So we weren’t A+ on the self-esteem scale.
Kristen and I don’t hang out together too often. She’s a few years younger and doesn’t have kids. She says she doesn’t want to have kids specifically because of me. That’s what a stellar mom I am.
Normally Kristen would have a date or a girls’ night out with her real friends, but on this one particular Friday, I was home alone and so was she. I could have dealt with it by putting on PJs and watching The Ugly Truth for the fourth time, but Kristen does not sit at home and she does not spend time alone, ever.
She lured me out offering to make me look better (and less pregnant – she wasn’t promising any miracles). I have brown, curly, almost kinky hair, whereas Kristen’s is blonde and straight (with a lot of money and labor, mind you). I put on some mascara at 7 a.m. before work and that’s it for the day, while Kristen believes you must reapply at lunchtime and dinnertime and before going out at night.
I’m sure this is one of many reasons why she dates more than I do, but hey, we’re both single, so I don’t think she’s winning.
After carting in a mini suitcase of makeup, spackling my face, and spraying something sticky in my hair, Kristen pulled half the clothes out of my closet and finally approved of a sparkly black sweater over dark rinse jeans. She made me put on heels too.
Our choice of hangouts is pretty slim pickings: either a club dominated by people who are right around age 21 or one of the neighborhood bars where the average patron is 60+. There’s not much in between. I vetoed the club, so we ended up in one of those dingy establishments where everyone turns around to look at the door every time it opens to see who’s coming in. They’re rarely surprised either, so it was an exciting night at the Lucky Mug when Kristen and Adrienne stepped through that door.
Obviously Kristen gets the most male attention, and she deserves it. She works for it. Besides, she was like insect repellent – all the gnats were bothering her and leaving me alone. One guy in a black t-shirt that actually had a hole by the armpit strode up and bumped into her leg.
“I knee’d you,” he said. “Get it? Knee’d? N-E-E-D?”
Kristen just glared as the guy’s friend yelled from across the bar, “Knee with a K, you dumbass!”
“Lay off, Eddie,” the bartender said, shooing him back to his friends, who were laughing at him and high-fiving each other. He had probably fulfilled a dare just by coming over to talk to Kristen.
“What’ll you girls be having?” the bartender asked us as she wiped down the bar in front of us with an infectious-looking damp rag. She thunked down a bowl of sad looking half-crushed party mix that I’m sure got scooped back into the gallon-size jar every night at closing time. I could just imagine that those orange tortilla chips would taste like smoke.
As Kristen ordered us each a beer, I turned my back to the men at the end of the bar, only to hear one of them yell out, “Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world!” Another riot of laughter started up and Kristen said out of the corner of her mouth, “See, I told you those pants are good on you. Look at that, you getting hit on already.”
So this is what I’ve been missing? I think I was better off at home with my pint-sized pals Ben and Jerry. I’ll tell you the rest of the story next time, but if you want to read more about Kristen and me and our swinging single lives, check out Giving Myself Away. How about making me feel better by telling me the worst pickup line you ever heard?
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One thought on “Free mini-fiction: The worst pickup line ever”
Rob loves this. I saw a cheesy pick up line in a magazine once or heard it in a rap song, but would never think to actually use it. It went something sort of like this: Are your pants made of glass (or mirrors)? ‘Cause I can see myself in them. Do these things really work?