How do you deal with sibling rivalry?

May 1, 2014gretedeangelo Leave a comment

This picture is captioned “I used to be the little one.” If you have more than one child or you have siblings, I’m guessing you can relate to at least one of the girls in this picture. I’ve noticed my older son sometimes gets jealous when I give attention to other adults, while my younger son only gets jealous of my attention toward other kids (especially his big brother!). Sometimes he’ll actually push his brother out of the way and say, “She’s my mom, not yours.”

I was one of four children, and what that meant is that you had to do something REALLY good or REALLY bad to get any parental attention focused solely on you. Sometimes that was a blessing. I liked not having to be the only one to take the heat when household objects disappeared or got broken. Even though my brothers annoyed me, spied on me, and took things from my room, I liked the feeling of being in a “pack.” Anywhere we went, there was always a pile of us. I rarely spent time alone. An important part of my identity is being a sister.

On the other hand, it may have been good to learn early on that I wasn’t the center of the world, but sometimes I wanted to be, and that wasn’t going to happen with three younger siblings. I rarely knew what it was like for the house to be quiet. Sometimes we all got in trouble when my parents didn’t feel like parsing out who did what to whom. At the time, it seemed so unfair, but I find myself doing the same thing when my kids argue now.

I try to spend some time with both of my kids separately. I try not to compare them to each other. They may look alike, but they have very different personalities. I even motivate and discipline them differently, based on what works for them. What do you do to handle sibling rivalry in your household?

[photo source: http://failblog.cheezburger.com/parenting]

If you’re interested in reading more about family, please check out my novel, Giving Myself Away.

BUY THE BOOK

CONNECT WITH ME

Should you do your kids’ homework with them?

April 24, 2014gretedeangelo 4 Comments

You’ve probably heard the phrase “helicopter parenting” — you know, those moms and dads who hover over their kids and micromanage every move they make, whether it be in academics, sports and activities, or socializing. Nobody wants to be called a helicopter parent, even if it’s what we do.

I can understand why we hover. We’re told over and over as parents that we “need to be involved” in our children’s education. What does that mean, exactly? I think a lot of helicopter parenting comes from the insecurity that parents feel when they hear that vague directive.

Sometimes we allow our children’s performance to define who we are or how successful we perceive ourselves to be. We forget that our children are not extensions of ourselves, but independent beings who must grow and learn, just as we did. We want to protect our kids from failure both because we know it hurts and because we’re afraid of looking like bad parents.

We can’t always cushion our children from failure, nor should we try. I work as a teacher, and I’ve done my best to remove the temptation for parents to get involved in the wrong ways. I don’t accept papers as “on time” if parents brought a copy to the school office when their children left it on the table at home. I speak to the child first about late homework or poor performance. We do a lot of writing and projects at school, where I can watch and supervise, but can’t micromanage or “do it for them” as I could at home with my own children.

What are the ways we should get involved? There’s a difference between needing help on a specific assignment and sitting down every evening with your children to monitor all of their homework. That just allows kids to become complacent and hurts their chances of becoming self-motivated and independent learners. I’ve taught kids who are accustomed to having a mom or dad literally sitting with them for every minute of homework and then feeling lost when they are asked to do something independently in school.

In my mind, we should strive to be good role models rather than directly supervising every move our kids make. One thing I admired about my parents is that they pursued their own passions and talents. They had four children and spent a lot of time teaching us their values, but they did not live through us. They did not focus on our successes (or our failures). Instead they showed us that adults are still learning and changing. Parents aren’t static people whose identity comes solely through their children. It took a lot of pressure off of me to know that, and it’s made my life as an adult and a parent more fulfilling.

I tell my children what my goals are and how I’m achieving them or falling short. I tell them what my dreams are and I ask them about theirs. This to me is what it means to be an involved parent. What do you to be involved in your children’s lives?

[photo credit: dreamstime.com]

The only adult in the house

March 12, 2014gretedeangelo 4 Comments

Hi, I’m Adrienne and I’m the only adult in my house. Most of the time, I’m okay with that. I get all the closet space, no one steals my stash of Oreos (that I keep too high up for the kids to notice), and the toilet seat is never up in the middle of the night.

Other times, it’s really hard. I’ve lived on my own with no problem, but there’s something about having kids in the house that raises the stakes. If there were a break-in or a fire, it’s not affecting only me anymore. When there’s a tornado warning or a flood watch, it’s all on me to keep the kids out of harm’s way as best I can.

When Drew first moved out, I woke up countless nights to every little noise, convinced that something awful was happening. Someone was trying to creep in the basement windows or pick the lock on the front door. I’d startle awake, my heart pounding, and grab my cell phone. But who to call? After listening and sitting so still that all I could hear was the blood rushing though my head, I’d eventually calm down and realize it was just a noise like all houses make.

Then there are the times a major appliance breaks down. I’ve had to figure out how to turn off the electricity and the water because pipes have leaked, the washing machine has become unbalanced, and the furnace made a scary sound. Men probably feel intimidated about certain home repairs too, but they have a more exploratory nature, whereas I assume that anything I touch is going to break down even further with my intervention.

Growing up, I learned how to change the sheets and cook and iron and sew, but my dad didn’t teach me guy things because he never expected I’d need to know them. As a result, I’m as unbalanced as the washer. I don’t think of turning off the pipes to the outside faucets or cleaning the gutters because they were never in my realm of responsibility before.

I’m teaching my sons everything I know. I hope they have someone to share the joys and responsibilities of home-ownership, but just in case, they won’t be as unprepared as I was.

Read more about my life after divorce in Giving Myself Away, available now.

Available at Amazon.com in paperback and Kindle format

Available at Barnes and Noble in paperback and Nook format

Gaining confidence as a single parent

February 27, 2014gretedeangelo 2 Comments

I did not sign up to be a single parent. I expected I was going to have a partner with me to see through the raising of our children. Yes, their father is actively part of their lives, but we don’t do our job of parenting together anymore.

At first, it was overwhelming. Parents with partners can tag-team so that when one is wiped out, he or she can step out of the ring for a few minutes to regain energy and composure. When you’re a single parent, you’re on all the time. You might be able to hand off kids to a grandparent for a few hours, but you’re still the chief decision-maker.

Early after Drew moved out, I decided to take Tyler and Nicky out for dinner, just the three of us. It was a disaster. Nicky was sulking about something and didn’t want to order, so I picked macaroni and cheese from the kids’ menu for him, which I figured he probably would have ordered anyway. Just to be contrary, he said he didn’t want macaroni and cheese (after the waitress had already taken our order and walked away). I said, “tough, you’re having macaroni and cheese.”

Tyler, the peacemaker, was upset that we were arguing, burst into tears, and knocked over his juice trying to hug me across the table. This led to even more tears. By the end of the meal, all of us had cried at least once. I can only imagine that our waitress and the people at nearby tables looked at us with either pity or scorn: Look at that pathetic single mom. She can’t handle her kids (her life!).

Since those early days, we’ve developed a partnership that works. Nicky and Tyler and I are now a family that feels complete. There are plenty of families where the parents are married, but a spouse has to work long hours away from home or serve overseas in the military. There are stay-at-home moms and dads who have to take three kids to the grocery store and clean the house and cook, all while keeping an eye on little ones. I’m not alone and I’m not a pity case.

Our latest adventure was an overnight trip on our own to an unfamiliar city. This was a big step for me, the person who couldn’t even handle a night at a restaurant on my own. I took lots of time to plan our route (no navigator to help me in the car), packed our bags (no one to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything), and prepared for missteps (there were a few). But we had a great time and it built my confidence as a parent. I’m a parent, not a single parent. And we are a family, not a one-parent family.

You can read more about my life after divorce in Giving Myself Away, available now.

Available at Amazon.com in paperback and Kindle format

Available at Barnes and Noble in paperback and Nook format

What to stock up on when you have children

February 11, 2014gretedeangelo Leave a comment

Hi, I’m Adrienne, a mom of two boys. When you have kids in the house, there are certain items you should never be without. I’ll tell you my top five, and I’d love to hear what you’d add to the list.

Adhesives to fix the things that break. Packing tape, scotch tape, duct tape, school glue, super glue… we have them all. While there are kids in the house, I have to be resolved to the fact that things get broken and need to put back together, including my patience. Both of my kids have gotten so frustrated at times that they’ve torn up a favorite piece of artwork only to regret it five minutes later. My own mood has frayed to the point that I want to break things too. Glue is the stuff that pulls things back together. In our house, a hug is the glue that binds us back together when we get pulled apart.
Erasers to fix the mistakes. We keep pencil erasers, Mr. Clean magic erasers, and spot remover to undo the things that got messed up. Sometimes we have a “do over” on the whole day when everyone’s out of sorts and things got off to a bad start. It’s amazing what erasing the past, even the past five minutes, can do for your outlook.
Band-aids to fix the hurts. I keep all different sizes to cover everything from a paper cut to a brush burn. Sometimes the cut is so little that I can’t even see it and yet my child wants a band-aid. These are the times I know that what he really needs is the kiss that comes with it, the reassurance that everything’s going to be okay, even when he’s in pain.
Thermometers to diagnose the severity of a situation. You can put you hand on a child’s forehead and know instantly whether it’s a fever or not, but the doctor always asks for the exact temperature. Being aware of the details helps you gauge what’s not obvious on the outside. Sometimes children can’t tell you in words what it is that’s ailing them, and your attentiveness is what draws it out.
Blankets to provide comfort. We have big blankets and little ones, but the most important thing is that they’re soft and warm. Did you ever notice how common it is to want to wrap yourself in a blanket, not only when you’re cold, but also when you’re lonely and sad? The most important thing a family can be is that big fuzzy blanket of security and comfort over our shoulders.

Available at Amazon.com in paperback and Kindle format

Available at Barnes and Noble in paperback and Nook format

What’s great about being married?

February 3, 2014gretedeangelo Leave a comment

Hi, I’m Adrienne. I realize I’ve talked about being divorced a lot, but I was married longer than I’ve been single, and it’s time for me to move on. I’m ready to stop being bitter and acknowledge how great marriage can be. I can be happy for my married friends and family instead of envious or cynical about what they have.

So in honor of marriage, please help me make a list of the benefits of being married!

You can read more about my marriage and my divorce in Giving Myself Away, available now.

Available at Amazon.com in paperback and Kindle format

Available at Barnes and Noble in paperback and Nook format

Seven Worst Ways to Start the New Year

January 1, 2014gretedeangelo Leave a comment

Hi, I’m Adrienne. Happy new year! I’m one of those people who gets bogged down by high expectations from the possibilities of January 1. Learn from my experience as I present to you The Seven Worst Ways to Start the New Year:

7. Hung over and in a carb coma. This was no big deal when I was younger. But that was before I encountered the TWO-DAY hangover. Just as our eyesight and hearing tend to get worse with age, apparently so does our liver’s ability to deal with a toxic blast of vodka, chicken wings, and Doritos. What an awful way to start the new year – full of resolve and too sick to do anything about it.

6. Paying upfront for a gym membership. I also went to the other extreme… there was that one year when I decided to go to bed before midnight and start the new year right with a grand workout routine. The tan, fit college girl with blonde braids at my local gym convinced me to sign up for six months because I’d save a good chunk of change over paying month to month. She failed to tell me I’d lose all that money anyway after I made one visit to the gym, completely overdid it to save face in front of the regulars who work out all year, and then limped home in shame never to return again.

5. Making resolutions for other people. Sometimes I can’t believe how pretentious I was. It wasn’t enough to make my own resolutions that I couldn’t keep… I had to make a list for my husband too and post it on the refrigerator. It reliably gave me something to nag him about, which gave him a chance to ignore me, which allowed me to snap out on him for ignoring me, and well, you know how that goes.

4. Deciding that your entire wardrobe needs to be sorted and organized TODAY. It’s a scientific fact that I am my fattest self at the end of December. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and eating for hibernation in the fall all lead to me wearing the same couple of big sweaters and pants for a month or two until I rein myself in (with New Year’s resolutions!). One year I pulled every item of clothing out of my closet and drawers, started crying when I realized how few of these clothes looked good on me, and then slept on the sofa to avoid dealing with putting them all away.

3. Looking at anything that comes from Martha Stewart. If you want to feel like a failure, you need only check out her lists for keeping a household running smoothly. What, you missed cleaning out the gutters and wiping down the undersides of your baseboard radiators? Don’t worry, there are overwhelming lists for every season of the year as well as the BEST way to do your laundry, cook fresh cranberry sauce, and assemble party favors. Thank goodness she doesn’t delve into the BEST way to rear children, or I’d be suicidal.

2. Making resolutions you can’t keep. I’ve written those lofty lists in which I vow to do everything better without having an action plan for how that’s going to happen. No wonder it fails. Goals work best when they are achieved by incremental changes, not complete and instant overhauls. Our society is always looking for the quick solution. What else would explain the popularity of shows where people lose a hundred pounds in a matter of months, become professional dancers in a few weeks, or meet, date, and get engaged in less than a season?

1. Doing nothing at all. For as many times as I’ve failed, I’m still not giving up. A new year is a chance to reflect on where we’ve been and where we still want to go. I’m giving up the lists. I’m not using my day off to make major changes that will overwhelm me. But I am going to resolve to be more patient and loving and to appreciate the blessings in my life.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed, you can read about some even bigger mistakes I’ve made in Giving Myself Away.

Available at Amazon.com in paperback and Kindle format

Available at Barnes and Noble in paperback and Nook format

It’s just a day…

December 20, 2013gretedeangelo Leave a comment

Hi, I’m Adrienne.

Sometimes we get so caught up in wanting a special day to be perfect that we forget it’s just a day.

Before my ex-boss and now-friend Melanie got married, she stressed a lot about the details that go into the wedding day, sometimes to the point that she was unhappy to be planning a wedding at all. Melanie’s a perfectionist and I’m not, but I wanted to tell her that the wedding would be great, even if a few things didn’t go as they were intended, and that the marriage that follows is way more important than the wedding day.

We put a lot of effort into planning certain days and forget how important every day is. I wanted to tell her to make every day with Frank a special day, and to never take marriage for granted because it’s a living thing that needs constant cultivation to survive.

My wedding day was a great day, but it wasn’t the best day of our marriage. What a depressing thought that would be, if nothing in your marriage could top your wedding. Some of the best days of our marriage were just nothing-special days at home with the kids. There were no pictures to capture those memories, no one to witness them, no fancy clothes to wear, but they were just as important as our wedding, if not more so.

Whether you’re preparing for your wedding or any other one of life’s milestones, remember that these may be memorable days in your life, but each one is just one of thousands of days you will have, and that every day or any day can be life-changing. No matter what, it’s just a day.

You can enjoy Melanie’s wedding in Giving Myself Away. Thanks for reading!

Available at Amazon.com in paperback and Kindle format

Available at Barnes and Noble in paperback and Nook format

Grete DeAngelo

women's fiction author ~ Giving Myself Away ~ Assent Publishing

family

How do you deal with sibling rivalry?

Should you do your kids’ homework with them?

The only adult in the house

Gaining confidence as a single parent

What to stock up on when you have children

What’s great about being married?

Seven Worst Ways to Start the New Year

It’s just a day…